That's me. All.The.Time.
Nothing crafty to share today, just wanted to check in.
I know I've been MIA for a looong time.
There's been a few life changes, which I don't want to talk about right now.
I haven't crafted in 4evah, but that will change, I have been keeping busy though!
Things are good.
I had a minor fender bender today....no one was hurt.
Yes, it was my fault......
This is also one of my favorite quotes:
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”- Wendy Mass
On my Facebook (yeah I Facebook) this week was this:
For those not aware, Grande Prairie has suffered two more suicides over the
weekend. I am at a loss over what to do or say. The statistics show a 4%
increase in suicides in this city year after year since 2003. For every female
suicide, there has been 10 male suicides. That is the statistics - if that is
what you are interested in hearing. Or you could hear a story of a real life
person that once blessed the lives of those that loved them. You want a name or
a number?? Here's a name. Morgan Lee Szmata. The most beautiful soul that ever
graced this earth. My daughter. My heart and soul.
The child that I gave birth to, stayed up countless nights rocking to
sleep, hours of homework and running back and forth to activities. The girl
that I laughed and cried with. My best girlfriend. Half of my heart. She is not
just a number - a statistic. And I have a very long list of other names and
stories. Children, siblings, friends, parents. The list keeps devastatingly
growing. You may choose to ignore this post, or any post talking about this
issue, but at the growing rate of 4% per year one day we will all be touched
closely and then people will listen. Believe me when I say that I never would
have thought that we would have to deal with this. It was something that
happened to other people. Then it happened to us. It is continuing to happen to
families everywhere everyday. They aren't families that are painfully
dysfunctional, or families that are broken without any love - that are
perfectly normal loving families.
You may think that I am too emotional or passionate about the subject of
suicide, but for one second, I ask you to stop what you are doing and look at
your child. Right now. It's impossible to do, but just try for one minute to
imagine never ever having them there again. Try to imagine the last time you
see them is on a steel gurney. You touch their frozen hand and press your lips
against their cold cheek, and every part of you dies inside. The pain in your
body is like someone is pulling your insides out through a small hole in your
chest. You can't breathe. You can't think. You can't even get through that
moment. It is unimaginable pain - there are no words for pain like this. You
cannot ever "get over" this, my life will forever be haunted with
this loss. But through the heartache, I will never stop trying to save another
family from this hurt. I can't stop. And I ask you to help. For your own
children. For my child. For our nieces & nephews, for everyone close to you.
I watch today as a very sweet young man deals with his 8th loss of friends
through suicide in the past few years. EIGHT. One of them being my daughter.
Our kids look to us for guidance, for us to explain things to them and make
sense of the madness. My tears flow because I've run out of words. I have no
explanation. It makes no sense. It's unfair. It's devastating. This city is in
crisis, and we need help. It's time that we as parents and people step up. Its
time that health Canada needs to step in and do something. Raise awareness,
provide counselling - something. Anything. We can't give up on our kids. I try
to make sense of all of this, but I'm left heartbroken. Something has to
change.
I will first say that I'm no expert on anything. I'm nothing special - just
an everyday average mom trying to make it in this world. I love my kids. More
than life itself. I've made mistakes - plenty of them. Every single day I ask
myself a million "what ifs?" I wonder where my family would be if I'd
made different choices. I regret. I take blame for so many things and I wish I
could go back. I'm far from a perfect parent, but I have always loved, I've
always been honest, and I've always put my kids before myself. Always. In the
last two years I have worked very very hard to be a better person. I've
suffered, and cried and fallen down many times. I didn't deserve the hurt I've
endured, and much like everyone else, I still get walked on and kicked when I
am down - every day - even by people I love. It's hard, and on days like today
I want to run away from my life. But I don't quit. I don't quit because my love
is too strong. I have to keep on going - for my son who I would swim the ocean
for, for my family, my friends, and someone out there that may need a friend.
There are many factors that need to be addressed about suicide. I'm just
gonna say them. If you don't want to read any further, then don't. If you want
to turn a blind eye and tell yourself that this will never affect you, then do
that. If you want to unfriend me - then do that. If you want to share this, do
that. If you want to get pissed off by my opinion, then go ahead! I've been
hurt and continue to be hurt by people regularly - but I'm not going to stop
being who I am and standing up for what I believe in.
First thing. Drugs. I'm not here to lecture anybody on anything. I'm not
judging - you live the life you want to live. What I'm saying is that drugs
kill people. You may find it funny or cool to see your friends out of it, and
maybe for a time it is. Drugs cause hallucinations. They cause your mind to see
things that aren't there. They cloud your perception. When mixed with alcohol
they are a powerful depressant. They change you into something you are not, and
swallow you inside of a cloudy dark world where evil takes over. Drugs cause
people to take their lives. You decide from there. It takes one night. One
stupid decision on one night. There is no second chance, and there is no going
back. Lives are shattered. You are gone. Perhaps we need our young people to
start a new trend - no drugs. No alcohol. No 'so far out of control' that you
have no bearing on where you are or what you are doing. Life can be just as
good and as fun without these things. Don't get me wrong - I like to go out
with my friends, have some drinks & laughs, but I also am painfully aware
of the depression that can follow alcohol. It is a very strong depressant. Make
a stand - be the person that refuses to lose another life to the senselessness.
Minimize the risk. Just don't do it. If you have a friend that you see is out
of control - take care of them. Help them. Sit with them through that dark hour
and save their life.
Bullying. An age old issue that has struck all of us from time to time. It
starts as small children, then develops into huge roadblocks in a teenage life.
It causes eating disorders, depression and anger. Stop it. No person is better
than anyone else. Your value is not determined by what you look like. I know
people who are beautiful on the outside, and ugly on the inside. I know people
who are not beautiful on the outside, and still ugly on the inside. Some people
just aren't kind, and to those people you must just walk away and let karma
deal with them. There will always be people that don't take others feelings
into consideration. It's not a young person problem - I see people that are 50
years old who do things without caring who they hurt, or how much they hurt
them. They just don't care. There are people who will always be selfish, who
worry only about the way they are feeling, and don't care who they hurt. All
they see is what life has thrown them and they won't move in or get over
things, so they hurt others to make themselves feel better. Please don't be
that person. Nobody should make another person hurt so badly. It is selfish,
and in the end they will be the one who suffers from it. We all need to start
opening our hearts more. We need to start facing the problems that face our
loved ones instead of turning your back because it isn't your issue. We have to
start taking care of each other. We have to start allowing love to guide our
path.
To all the parents - I don't know where to start. Love your children. They
are going to mess up. A lot. They aren't perfect - none of us are. Remember
that. Be a parent, but also be a friend. They have a lot of peer pressure in
this crazy world that we have created. We have to show them how to cope. Bad
things happen in all of our lives. Divorce, death, separation. Don't ever hide
your hurt for your kids. Don't lie to them. Despite what you may think, they
know more than you would ever guess. Let them see your hurt. Let them see your
struggle. Let them see you fall down and let them see you get up again and keep
fighting. Teach them that life doesn't always go the way we want it to, but you
can't give up. You keep on searching for love & happiness. You keep on
looking for a brighter tomorrow. Show them that after a world of hurt, that you
can come out stronger, happier and better. Be honest. If there is one lesson
I've learned through the years it is to be honest with my kids. I never hid
anything. I separated, went through a divorce, dated, broke up, cried and
persevered. I never tried to hide any of it, but I also didn't stop living my
life. I respected my children, and through that was teaching them to respect
me. They were a part of my decisions, and they always had a say. If I dated, I
told them about it. They sometimes didn't care for my choices, but they were my
choices and they stood beside me through them all. Believe it or not, your kids
become happy when they see happiness in your eyes. That's a fact. My son is 22
years old and when I tell him I'm happy, he is happy - I can see it in his
eyes. I still tell him everything, and now I value his opinion more than any
other. I love his protective nature, and the way he tells me that I deserve
nothing less than being treated like a princess. He is showing me how to
believe in myself.
To the parents that feel that they should be allowed to walk away from
their parenting role due to separation or divorce or anything like that - I say
eff you. You were gifted with gods treasures and you are going to turn your
back in them?? You are going to put another man or woman in front of them???
EFF You!!! You don't know how lucky you are to have them. I would give anything
to have my daughter back, and you walk away. You should be ashamed. There will
never be anyone in the world that loves you like your kids, and you should be
cherishing everything about them. Parenting doesn't "end" at any age.
I still go to my moms and fall apart, and she takes care of me like I was 5.
Because she loves me unconditionally. The way a mom should love. My goal in
life is to be even half the mother that she is. To the kids that have parents
like this - I am so sorry. If I could take away all that and replace it with
love I would. If I could give you the love you so desperately need I would.
Don't give up - there are people who will love you and believe in you. You can
overcome anything and build a life to be proud of. You can break the chain of
neglect and become a more loving and compassionate person, and someday parent.I
know there are many people struggling through depression. I beg you to not give
up. Seek help - don't ever be embarrassed to say that you need help. We all get
overwhelmed. We all get frustrated. We all feel alone in this crazy mixed up
world. But you aren't alone. You aren't alone. There is someone that loves you,
or someone that wants to love you. Let them in - accept love and help. Be
courageous - talk to someone or get some medication or change your life to what
you want it to be rather than what it is. Just don't give up. Please. If you
are choosing suicide you are eliminating all possibilities of things getting
better. Life is so full of change - today may be bad, but tomorrow may be
better. To all the young generation - when you feel like you dont have anything
to fight for, I say I wish I could show you your life in 20 years from now. You
holding your own babies, cooking dinner for your family - surrounded by love
and joy. That is what you have to look forward to!! Looking into the eyes of a
beautiful creation of love that you call your child!! If you could feel that
for one minute I know that you would think twice about ending your life. Life
is hard, but there are so many amazing tomorrow's waiting for you. Please
believe that - have just a little faith. I promise you won't regret it.
Tonight I send all my love to all the broken hearts suffering through the
worst days of their lives. The pain is far too familiar to me, and my tears
fall for my own pain, and all of yours. I wish I could say the pain will end,
but it doesn't. You just learn to try to cope with it. You learn to live with
it. For this world of madness and despair I pray tonight that some miracle may
fall upon us and take this darkness of suicide from us. It is enough. We can't
survive any more lost lives. I can't survive any more lost lives. Please take a
minute to say a little prayer for all those souls searching for something.
Don't give up. Give tomorrow a chance. Give life a chance. You deserve it. And
when you think no one cares - you are wrong, because I care.
I don't want to be all maudlin here, but here's another name.
Jason Aaron Luck.
My first born.
19 years ago today he died by suicide.
At the age of 19. (No, I was not '9' when I had him; I've been asked that before, but I was young)
This lady nailed it!
You don't ever get 'over it', but it does get easier.
And sure, I miss him & wonder what he'd be like now.
And no, for me there is no "shoulda coulda woulda". That'll drive you crazy.
I did what I could.
Don't ever give up, and don't ever stop looking for help.
We all deal differently, Vanessa always takes the day off from work.
She was 12.
Now, if you've read this far, you'll know I'm not one for sympathy.
I'm going to have my supper, and have Firepit Friday, and unless one of my peeps remembers, it won't be brought up, and I'm fine with that.
Oh yeah, and "I care".
Talk to ya soon.
Hope you're all well!
Ta ta for now.
